somewhere near the end of time


The truth is that the first thing I did after waking up was cut my nails. Eyes were particularly moist, but that's nothing unusual. Truth is that I can upload Smiths songs and copy+paste lyrics about "going where we're happy," but it's inadequate isn't it? (Because Morrissey was a Cantona fan, therefore a Manchester United fan, but the LA air has cleared his head and the spell of the Frenchman has worn off.) I won't pretend that I'm not devastated and you know what? Screw double negatives. I hate double negatives. I hate the word 'mentality,' and how it's impossibly, inexplicably sexy. And the difference is that most people have alcohol to cope with this. They have pints and bottles and similarly miserable fellow pub patrons to drown their sorrows with and I have to face a couple of Manchester United fans who glorify their own victories but fail to own up to their losses. The fact is that we played better than Milan. The fact is that we weren't thrashed and we kept fighting. Did we deserve to lose? If your basis is hard work, determination, and basically every other quality that Liverpool is known for, then no, we didn't. Milan were nothing in the first half, but it was a bit of luck and a lot of quality that gave them an undeserved edge and I can't really blame anyone for that goal.

Xabi cried? This depresses me immeasurably. I didn't stay for the awarding. I went to bed and tried to think about happy things. Like sheep in boxes and the prospect of being able to cut my nails finally. He had a pretty good game, even felt comfortable enough to show off early on in a Kakaesque sort of way. I hope this isn't some portent that he'll leave. Please stay, Xabi Alonso. It's a shame that none of his efforts in last night's match bore fruit... and HE CRIED? Like srsly. It makes me sad. And I want to cry. I can see this entry flying wildly off-tangent. But he cried? And I wasn't there? I feel horrible. I feel like I didn't suffer all the way. I should have stayed.

And it pains me to think that this loss, this match, their body language will be trivialized by many to a badly written fic. Where they're depressed and lonely and the clothes come off and they do pathetic, sinful (lulz) things in the shower and in the hotel room. Is that honestly all that this club, these players mean to some people? It's different to feel sad about a loss, and it's another thing to respect both sides for the game that they played and not think "Oh, look they're sad together, clearly they must/will be sleeping together." I hate how people capitalized on Istanbul and that may be a bit hypocritical, but people have really used that night to their advantage, that city and abused whatever right they have to be called Liverpool fans. I hate what's happened and I hope that these people, these so-called fans will be gone by the time August rolls around (all the same, some new ones will be surfacing). I'm just saying, if you're a fan of the club, if you love the club, if you memorize their jersey numbers, memorize years and scorelines, then don't try to make sense of this loss by writing borderline pornography that will explain it. Suffer through this quietly, maybe rant about it with friends who understand or at the very least willing to listen. Just don't, just please don't make this loss worse than it already is.

I wanted this summer vacation to end happily. And I suppose it's a bit regretful that I can't quite predict victories as well as I do losses. Maybe it's this blinding, oftentimes beguiling affection (that's really inadequate and insignificant when you see people with their faces painted red, their bodies draped in it, singing in the cold night air) for this club, but maybe I did too many things wrong. Or it's likely that this was never up to me. That all the Buzzcocks albums and sugar mice heads wouldn't have made a difference. But we hang onto these superstitions and these appointed talismans, because it's really a tangible form of hope. It's something to cling onto as the ninety minutes play out and as the pre-shows tip the opposition over your team. It's hope and it's faith and it's what gets you through every game.

I'm disappointed. Disappointed in the loss, of course, but disappointed also that I can't regard Milan in the same way anymore. I can't be happy for their victory, even if I do support them next to Liverpool, because their opposition wasn't just any other team, was it? If it had been any other team, honestly, I would have been Milan all the way. It still would be. But my sentiments towards them have shifted quite drastically. I'm in the Pippo Inzaghi Hate Camp with my brother and Jaap Stam. Fun, fun, fun. And Milan's defense was laughable in the first half and parts of the second, no lie. It was bad finishing on our part and an off-Steven Gerrard, but we could have exploited the sloppy defending that was so uncharacteristic, but very much evident in that Milan back four.

Speaking of back fours. I love ours. Riise wasn't being as brilliant as he was during the Chelsea tie and his defensive characteristics were a bit lax compared to the rest of the back four. Carragher had a great game and Agger did too, but there was this one moment where you could see that this partnership could still do some improvement. Carragher wanted Agger to get the ball, Agger didn't seem to agree. This didn't result in a goal, but my heart was palpitating madly. And Steve Finnan was the oldest Liverpool player on the pitch and he proves that class and experience are permanent.

Mascherano was fantastic in immobilizing Kaka. But we all expected that. How could an Argentinian possibly let a Brazilian get the better of him, right? Kaka only really produced one quality ball that whole match, and unfortunately, Inzaghi was able to convert it. Still, Masch = excellent. Shame on West Ham, shame, shame. I'm still not a fan of Zenden, but Harry Kewell was ineffective when he came on (albeit a little late in the game). Pennant maybe let me down. He had a few exciting spells during the first half where he was really using the ball and creating chances, but I think that the pressure got to him and you can pin that down to inexperience. Xabi, I think was fantastic. Maybe it's strong subjectivity, but fuck that. He was awesome. He did what Momo usually has to do and he escaped a booking which I think was fabulous, but generous on the ref's part. He has this awesome turning ability (and hot, hot footwork) that makes my mouth drop and say stupid things. It's true that he gave away the foul that led to the goal, but his passing is still so sharp and he is just utter class.

I think our problem was an off Gerrard. He was playing in the middle, yeah, but the position was so advanced that he was immediately pressured by the Milan defense and I think that position is better suited to Luis Garcia (WHO I MISS SO TERRIBLY). We just couldn't finish in the final third and it was so disappointing to see all our attacks fail. We dominated the game in the first half, and we should have won it then and there. But Gerrard didn't really turn it up, did he? He didn't crank it up to the next level and lacked the usual inspiration that he has and maybe that didn't fuel the team, who seem to just play better when he's at his best. I think he should have taken the corner kicks, maybe kicked in some crosses ahead of Pennant, who was struggling in the second half to put a quality ball in, but I'm just, still, disappointed.

I don't know what else Kuyt could have done. It wasn't a bad season for him, by any means. I just hope he scores more goals, because that's always something that we've been lacking. That thirty goals a season striker. That's what we need and hopefully Kuyt can develop and hopefully that transfer treasure chest will be able to get us someone who can improve the team if not immediately, then within the next season.

There's still so much promise for the future though. It was a loss, but the boys weren't beaten. How could they be? They're Liverpool players. At the risk of sounding repetitive, I'll say that you can never really defeat champions, and that's what Liverpool are. There's hope always, in their hearts and in the hearts of the fans. A loss can't take that away and what it can do is strengthen it, make it better, because that blind faith and adulation lives on and it's a light that will never go out (HAHAHAHA. I'm sad.)

I wanted to be happy today. Now, I don't have anything to look forward to and any fond memories of these last two months seem trivial and insignificant. But I will get over this.

(P.S. KENNY DALGLISH. I ADORE YOU. Why didn't you have more faith? But you had the most, and maybe that's what's sad.

AND. Okay. I suddenly want to convert religions just to spite Kaka.)










I love you, Steven Gerrard. No joke. Always. And this devotion is ridiculous.

























Congratulations, Milan. If it was anyone else, I think I'd feel worse.

[mood| similar to this]
[music| Stereophonics-- Dakota]